Just because a depressed person is happy doesn’t mean they’re not depressed.
Just because a depressed person experiences happiness doesn’t make them a ‘bad’ depressed person.
Just because a depressed person has a good day doesn’t mean they’re not depressed.
Just because a depressed person is doing well one day doesn’t mean they’ll be doing well the next day.
Keep these in mind.
Thanks.
1) Don’t try to give them advice. I know this is coming from an owl who gives depressed people advice! But I only do that for people who have asked for it. Unless they specifically say to you, “What do you think about all this?” or “What do you think I should do?” then advice is not really what they’re looking for, and you don’t need to feel like you have to come up with any.
2) Don’t try to guess what they’re feeling, or why they feel that way. The best case scenario is that you are right, but they didn’t figure it out for themselves, so it probably won’t sink in! The worst case scenario is that you are wrong, and you have inadvertently shut them out of the conversation. Either way, you haven’t really helped. Of course, if they ask for your insight, that’s a different story!
3) Ask questions! And then be quiet until they are done talking. Give them just a little bit longer to go on than you would in an ordinary conversation. There is a good chance that they have things they need to say, but are reluctant to talk about. Maybe you feel awkward during silences, but they need those silences to work up the courage to keep talking.
4) Maybe you know something about their condition. Maybe you even share it! But you are not talking about their condition (unless for some reason you are); you are talking about their feelings, and their experiences. Empathy is very powerful, but don’t let the conversation become about you or what you know.
5) They might try to deflect the conversation by bringing your feelings into it: “Sorry for bringing you down,” “I don’t want to make you worry, I’m fine,” “This must be really boring, let’s talk about something else,” that sort of thing. They are probably not doing that because they really want to change the subject, but because opening up is hard, and maybe they feel like they don’t deserve to. Gently reassure them that you are fine, their problems are not boring, and that you want to help and you are still listening. If you do that, and they still try to deflect, you can just ask them, “Do you really want to change the subject? It’s okay, we don’t have to keep talking about this if you don’t want to.” But make sure it’s clear that that choice is about their feelings, not yours.
6) Things that are obvious to you are not obvious to them. You know that they are fun to be around! You know that it’s okay for them to make mistakes! You know that having a bad day doesn’t make them a bad person! But they don’t know that. These are good things to point out.
7) You are going to have to repeat yourself a lot. This is because their thoughts are repeating themselves a lot! Depression is at least partly fueled by self-destructive thought patterns, which means they are falling into the same thought-traps over and over again. Please try not to get frustrated. They are not doing it on purpose.
8) It is important to establish boundaries. Being around depressed people can be very draining. And if you make yourself constantly available to them, there is a good chance that they will start to rely on your support in an unhealthy way! That is not good for you, them, or your relationship. It is okay to say, “I love you! I wish you weren’t feeling this way! But I can’t really deal with this right now. Please do something nice for yourself, okay? I will talk to you tomorrow!” They might be a little hurt to be turned away at first, but ultimately it is for the best.
9) Understand that you do not have the power to break them out of their destructive thought patterns. Only they can do that. They will have a hard time internalizing what you say, and they probably won’t take your advice (assuming you even gave them any). And that’s okay. You are just trying to support them! They can do anything they want with that support.
10) Please don’t be disheartened by what looks to you like a lack of progress. I know it can be hard not to feel like you aren’t making any difference. But your kindness and patience are so powerful. People struggling with depression know how hard they sometimes are to be around. The fact that you are trying at all means more than you think.—-
I just want to say that I am not any kind of therapist; I am just a girl on the internet who draws owls. But I get a lot of questions from people who want to take better care of their depressed friends and family, but don’t know how! So I hope this has been useful to some of you out there!
These need to be everywhere. They should be handed out to school counselors parents, friends, EVERYONE.
I’m sure this list isn’t perfect for everyone, but it is absolutely true for me. Especially #1, #6 and #7. If I came to you, it’s because you’re my friend, not my therapist.
I’ve been getting a lot of these lately, and I guess I just want you all to know what I think when I read them.
mental illness is constantly either demonized or romanticized by society and there is no space in that dichotomy for real people with mental illness to exist without feeling shamed and invalidated and that isn’t fair
The problem with a history of depression and anxiety is that you can never know if you’re “just having one of those weeks” or if you’re sliding back down into those places you swore you’d never go again.
My psychology teacher showed us this picture in class and spent a good 10 minutes talking about how depression is a disorder, a mental disease, not a choice, etc. I respect him so much for that.
it’s always nice getting a reminder about what you’re up against…
Invictus by William Ernest Henley
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul. In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed. Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid. It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul. On best friends
My dog has cancer and doesn’t have a lot of time left, so I wrote this blog post on losing pets.
And after that first time, you can never feel the same.
You get another pet and cannot help but think ‘You are beautiful and I love you. But one day you will leave and it will break my heart.’
"Depression is humiliating. It turns intelligent, kind people into zombies who can’t wash a dish or change their socks. It affects the ability to think clearly, to feel anything, to ascribe value to your children, your lifelong passions, your relative good fortune. It scoops out your normal healthy ability to cope with bad days and bad news, and replaces it with an unrecognizable sludge that finds no pleasure, no delight, no point in anything outside of bed. You alienate your friends because you can’t comport yourself socially, you risk your job because you can’t concentrate, you live in moderate squalor because you have no energy to stand up, let alone take out the garbage. You become pathetic and you know it. And you have no capacity to stop the downward plunge. You have no perspective, no emotional reserves, no faith that it will get better. So you feel guilty and ashamed of your inability to deal with life like a regular human, which exacerbates the depression and the isolation. If you’ve never been depressed, thank your lucky stars and back off the folks who take a pill so they can make eye contact with the grocery store cashier. No one on earth would choose the nightmare of depression over an averagely turbulent normal life.
It’s not an incapacity to cope with day to day living in the modern world. It’s an incapacity to function. At all. If you and your loved ones have been spared, every blessing to you. If depression has taken root in you or your loved ones, every blessing to you, too. No one chooses it. No one deserves it. It runs in families, it ruins families. You cannot imagine what it takes to feign normalcy, to show up to work, to make a dentist appointment, to pay bills, to walk your dog, to return library books on time, to keep enough toilet paper on hand, when you are exerting most of your capacity on trying not to kill yourself. Depression is real. Just because you’ve never had it doesn’t make it imaginary. Compassion is also real. And a depressed person may cling desperately to it until they are out of the woods and they may remember your compassion for the rest of their lives as a force greater than their depression. Have a heart. Judge not lest ye be judged."
It’s not an incapacity to cope with day to day living in the modern world. It’s an incapacity to function. At all. If you and your loved ones have been spared, every blessing to you. If depression has taken root in you or your loved ones, every blessing to you, too. No one chooses it. No one deserves it. It runs in families, it ruins families. You cannot imagine what it takes to feign normalcy, to show up to work, to make a dentist appointment, to pay bills, to walk your dog, to return library books on time, to keep enough toilet paper on hand, when you are exerting most of your capacity on trying not to kill yourself. Depression is real. Just because you’ve never had it doesn’t make it imaginary. Compassion is also real. And a depressed person may cling desperately to it until they are out of the woods and they may remember your compassion for the rest of their lives as a force greater than their depression. Have a heart. Judge not lest ye be judged."
It always gets better. So often, I forget that. Strange, since I can so easily forget how bad it can be, that in moments of clarity I assure myself that this is it, that nothing could be so heavy and debilitating as the darkness that so often took me.
No, I was good at forgetting. At repressing, pushing back feelings and darkness until it all became too much and I was drowning in it. It was a talent that I didn’t often realize I had. A talent that I also felt was keeping me alive.
It’s said that without darkness there is no light, that sadness exists because without it happiness would be less sweet. I’ve always believed that, heart and soul, but I never realized that I wasn’t living it. I might think I know happiness, but the sadness and screaming I push down so hard keep company with the ecstasy I could be feeling. The raw emotions I fear.
Because that is the only thing I do know: fear, the constant, creeping, choking sensation that I am so close to failing, to the whole world collapsing in, losing me everything. It is why I cling so fiercely to the people around me. I cannot conceive of a way they would want to stay, so I dig in hooks, hoping that in my desperation pity will breed loyalty.
It blinds me to love, to kindness, to praise. Even in the moments when I cling to the memory of a smile, a kind comment or a hug, I can feel it slipping away, running through my fingers, so that soon I am once again the despairing hopeless mess I feel I am destined to be.
What is it I truly crave? Acceptance, perhaps. But even in the face of it I am blind to it. Sometimes I think that it is release that I seek. Release from the responsibilities and pressures that I have internalized, so that I see myself as nothing without them. If I do not give all that have, asking nothing in return, then I do not deserve my place in life, do not deserve the people who keep me company or comfort me with soft words when I finally cry out for help.
I want to be able to see. To feel. I must learn to let go of the wall I use to split myself in pieces, to protect me from my own emotions. I endeavor to feel, so that I might someday know what it means to love, not only others, but to truly love myself.
A submission from today’s batch of postsecrets.
"You can never tell what people are thinking and feeling unless they tell you, and usually they lie. you ask them, ‘Whats wrong?’ and they say ‘Nothing’. You accept this because it’s easier than digging for the truth. People smile when they want to cry, they laugh when they want to scream and shout. They pretend like nothing is wrong because they don’t want to face the truth. Things aren’t always rainbows and butterflies, sometimes you gotta scream and cry your anger and sadness to the world, because you can only hold it in for so long before something in you snaps. so when you want to cry, cry. When you want to scream, scream. Don’t hide behind fake smiles, it’s ok to not be alright."